Random Fairy Tail Omakes
by insanemonkeyboy
Summary: Just what the title says. Writing these on lunch breaks so don't get all critical. Crossover elements may exist. I own nothing
1. Chapter 1

****I don't own Fairy Tail or the characters. They belong to Mashima.**

This is just a drop point for Omakes and other randomness. Toral Crack so don't get upset lol.

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 **Omake 1**

Macao ducked inside a building with his old buddy Wakaba.

"Things really aren't looking good," He panted as he leaned back against a wall. Baby dragons were all over the place, swarming mages left and right.

"We've got to keep fighting!" Romeo yelled. "It's what Natsu would do!"

With that he jumped to his feet, emphasizing the point, only for his head to hit a large brick. "Ow..." He rubbed the top of his head as a large flower fell from above, also landing on his head.

"Flower power!" He yelled eating the giant flower just because he was hungry and he thought that's what Natsu would do.

Suddenly he grew to twice his normal height. His clothing turned red as white overalls magically appeared on him. He grew a beer belly and a mustache that looked a bit like Macao's.

Macao stared at him in shock. "Who are you and what have you done with my son?"

"What do you mean dad?" Romeo said looking around with a confused look. "It's-a me, Romeo! I'm-a gonna jump on some heads now!"

Then Romeo burst through the brick wall and started shooting green and red fireballs that bounced off the ground and kept bouncing till they hit something. He was jumping on baby dragon heads, smashing them to the ground before they disappeared with a pop.

Macao and Wakaba just stared, unable to comprehend what the fuck was happening. Romeo, on the other hand, was having a blast. He went right up to the palace and kicked a medium sized green dragon's ass like a boss. Soon after Toma came out with a giant mushroom on his head.

"Sorry Romeo, but the princess is in another castle." He said.

Meanwhile, in another part of town, Lisanna ran into Lucy. But she looked a little... different.

"Ummm, Lucy? Why do you have pointy ears? And why are you dressed up like a princess? And why are you not fat?"

Lucy ignored her, pulling out an ocarina and putting it to her lips. Suddenly Loke or Leo, depending on how you prefer to refer to him, came out. But he was different too. He had long ears, his hair seemed blonder than usual, and he carried a bow with a quiver full of arrows.

"Leo! How many black arrows do you have?"

"Enough to slay 3 dragons, if the legends be true milady." The elfin lion spirit replied.

"Very well. Don't miss," Lucy said, and Leo sprang away in search of dragons.

"If only I had a Dwarven bow," He was heard to say as he departed.

Elsewhere in the town, future Rogue stood between Natsu and the exit.

"None shall pass!" He declared with his sword, which apparently came from nowhere, planted firmly on the ground.

Elsewhere in town Gajeel was getting pretty frustrated.

"Fuck this!" He screamed as three long metal claws extended from each hand. "I'm going x men on you bitches!"

Elsewhere in town, future Rogue threatened to bite Natsu's legs off as Natsu departed, using coconuts to emulate the sound of a departing horse. Then instantly got motion sick from hearing something so much like transportation.

Just then Jura came raging through with a young dragonoid on his heels. "Get to the chopper!" He yelled, pointing to the new Blue Pegasus airship some distance away.

 **Omake 2**

"Is that an airship?" Fairy Tail members looked up at the approaching airship, wondering who could be coming to their sacred island during their S class trials.

"I will stop them," Makarov declared as he began to morph into a giant.

Suddenly a huge wooden barrel with a star on the side appeared on the beach, pointed out toward the incoming airship.

"What's that?" Most of Fairy Tail yelled.

Before anyone could try to form a rational response, Elfman's voice was heard yelling "take over: Donkey Kong!"

The next thing they knew a giant brown gorilla came crashing through the forest and jumped in the barrel, which instantly shot it towards the airship. The entire guild just stood their flabbergasted.

"Ummm... what was that?" Gray asked as he watched the departing blur of fur.

"Dunno, but I'm just gonna roll with it bro," Natsu replied with a shrug.

On the Grimoire Heart ship, the crew felt a sudden heavy impact and the ship got a lot heavier.

Then a heavy hit sounded on the deck, shaking the whole airship. Then another. As the guild members sprang into action, the ship was shuddering and cracking like they were in an earthquake.

When they got out in the deck, they were surprised to see an enormous ape pounding its fists on the deck of the ship, breaking through in minutes to the deck below. And the Grimoire Heart.

"No! Stop him you fools!" Raged master Hades. His beard growing snowy white as he raised is staff, whispering sorcery into the howling winds. "We must defend Orthanc!"

"Ummm... K" the rest of Grimoire Heart sweat dropped, completely unsure how to respond to this.

But them it was too late. Giant ape fists smashed the heart, causing Hades to collapse in a dead heap and the airship to plummet into the ocean. Only Zancrow managed to escape, levitating out of the ship to the beach where he was met by Natsu.

"I am the power!" Natsu roared as he suddenly became as muscular as Elfman and whipped out a bad ass sword. He then jumped on happy, who transformed into a giant blue tiger. Together they charged the shocked Zancrow, smacking him away from the island with Natsu's huge sword just as Donkey Kong returned riding on a swordfish.

As the rest of the guild gaped, Natsu, Donkey Kong, and Happy transformed back into Natsu, Elfman, and Happy and high fived.

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That's it for that omake lolz. Review if you want. Or don't. Either way.


	2. Chapter 2

**i don't own Fairy Tail or anything in it.

Again, please don't be too critical. I'm writing these Omakes on my cell phone during lunch and bathroom breaths.

I plan to post the next chapter of Fiery Jade and Chunks in Their Armor this weekend.

Read and review as always!

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Omake 3: Macao the celestial spirit king.

"Alright everyone," the celestial spirit king said as he reached into a sack full of folded pieces of paper. "Per the multiverse treaty of a950, I will be taking a day tomorrow to participate in the 25th millennial multiverse organizational and administrative planning board. To ensure that this universe will continue to function in my absence, a random human's name will be pulled from this sack. That human will receive my power and authority till I return the next day."

"Man, multiverse meetings are the worst," Leo complained.

"Yeah," Cancer added. "Last time we had a stand in for the king he thought it would be fun to switch the north star with the southern cross in the sky. Threw everything out of whack ebi."

"And don't forget about the one before that," Taurus added. "He put a constellation that said 'fuck you bitch ass empire' in the sky and caused a hundred year war between the two strongest empires in the world because they blamed each other for it."

"Oh relax," The celestial spirit king said. "It only happens once every thousand earthland years. How bad could it be?"

With that he pulled the name out of the sack. "And our winner this year is... Macao Conbolt!"

"Oh no..." groaned most of the female celestial spirits, though the ones that never met Macao didn't say anything.

"Well, it can't be that bad can it?" The king said. "Anyway, I'll get Macao and tell him the news. See you all in a day!"

~~~~~~Fast forward~~~~~~

"Ah... this is amazing..." Macao Conbolt sat on the celestial spirit king's throne, smirking down at the kingdom he ruled for a day. He saw lots of gorgeous female celestial spirits, and several male spirits who just didn't need to be there.

"Alright, let's lay down some ground rules," He said. "First rule. If you're a male spirit, you don't have to go home but you can't stay here."

The celestial spirits all stared at him blankly.

"It means if you're a guy and you're not me GET OUT OF HERE!" He said.

Knowing better than to argue, the male celestial spirits all ran off to different places.

"Alright. Now if you're a female, go tell your summomers that they can't summon you until this day is over. No matter what your contact is," Macao continued. "Then get back here and take off your clothes."

"You can't make us take our clothes off," Aquarius glared at him. "It goes against the agreement."

"Oh right," Macao rubbed the back of his head. "Fine. Change into your skimpiest swim suits then."

With an irritated grunt Aquarius disappeared, as did all the other female celestial spirits.

~~~~~~Team Natsu~~~~~~

Natsu, Lucy, Erza, and Gray were on their way to a mission. Was asleep in Erza's lap. Lucy and Gray were sitting across from the duo.

Suddenly there was a large flash of light. Aquarius, Virgo and Aries appeared.

"Good day princess. I regret to inform you that we will be unavailable for summoning for the next 3 months," Virgo said while Aquarius just tched.

"What? Why?" Lucy said, but the spirits just disappeared without answering.

"We can't be called either!" The Gemini twins said before disappearing as well. Lucy wondered when they'd appeared in the first place.

"Well that was weird," said Gray.

"Really weird," Lucy agreed before looking at him. "Put some clothes on!" She yelled.

"Gray Sama looks better without clothes," said a voice from under Erza and Natsu's seat.

"Ah! Stalker!" Gray yelled, causing Natsu to bolt awake.

"Falcon punch!" He falcon punched Gray, sending him flying out the window and into the distance.

"Look what you did Natsu," Lucy complained. "Now we have to go after him."

"Nah, he'll catch up. Go back to sleep Natsu," Erza said, pushing him back down on her lap and running her fingers through his hair.

"How can you be so cold?" Lucy asked.

"It was Gray's fault. He knows what happens when you startle Natsu awake like that."

"It's Juvia's fault!" Lucy said. "She startled Gray!"

"Juvia couldn't help it," came the voice. "Juvia never misses a chance to see Gray's anatomy."

"Erza, do you think you could close your thighs. You smell kind of funny down there and your panties have a wet spot in them. Right where you're rubbing my face... speaking of which could you let go of my hair?"

At this point Lucy was staring at the Titania, who turned red as a beet and instantly knocked Natsu out. Lucy noticed her hips were moving though.

"Ummm Erza?"

"WhaAAAAt doOOOO you wAAAAAnt LuUUcy," Erza asked as her hips moved faster.

"Nevermind. I'm going to go get some food." Lucy said.

"You liiiiike him!" Happy said.

Erza couldn't even respond as she let loose, her cum soaking through her panties onto Natsu's unconscious face.

There was dead silence for a minute. Then, from under the seat, "you know that counts as rape right?"

And just that quickly Juvia was sent flying off the train to find hey Gray-sama.

~~~~~~Celestial spirit realm~~~~~~

"Gemini, transform into Mirajane in her sexiest swimsuit." Macao commanded.

With a sigh the twins complied, changing to the model in one of her most revealing bikinis. Macao drooled as he watched, wishing it were within the contract to make her give him a lap dance.

"Alright. Now mud wrestle with Aquarius," He said, pointing to a mud pit that suddenly formed nearby. With two sighs, the celestial spirits did as they were commanded, and soon their hot, scantily clad bodies were locked in a competition to make the other submit.

"I could get used to this," Macao said with a smirk as he started snapping pictures with his photo lacrima. All the while trying to keep his slowly rising dick from becoming too noticeable.

However, it wasn't more than an hour till he got bored, so he ordered the rest of the female spirits to join in.

For the next several hours Macao watched bikini mud wrestling, hooting and snapping pictures whenever a top slipped off a boob or a bottom showed some ass.

~~~~~~In Magnolia~~~~~~

"Lucy!"

Lucy turned to see Yukino running toward her. "What's up Yukino?" She asked.

"Have you been having any trouble with your spirits?" She asked.

"Well, kind of," Lucy replied. "Aquarius, Aries, Virgo, and Gemini all told me they couldn't be around for a while."

"Libra, mama Pisces, and Ophiuchus all told me the same thing," Yukino said.

"Huh." Lucy frowned. "Come to think of it, Leo and Cancer both seemed pretty annoyed when I summoned them."

"Yeah." Yukino said. "The boy Pisces was irritable when I summoned him too.."

"Alright," Lucy said. "I'm gonna make Leo tell us what's going on. Open, gate of the lion: Leo!"

"What do you want now Lucy?" The playboy celestial spirit asked.

"I want you to tell me why every celestial spirit is acting crazy!" Lucy said.

"We're not really acting crazy," Leo said with a sigh. "There's just a lot going in right now."

"Like what?" Yukino pressed.

"Can't tell you." Leo replied.

"You'd better tell us!" Lucy said, her eyes narrowing.

"Or what?" Leo smirked.

"Or I'll have you wash Freed in the tub while he's ogling pictures of Laxus." She threatened.

Leo instantly paled. "That's so wrong! But I still can't tell you. It would be breaking multi universal laws."

At this both girls looked depressed. Loke, being a lady's man, was instantly sorry for acting so rude to them. "I'll tell you how to make your spirits really happy though," He said with a smirk.

"How?" Yukino asked quickly, her face brightening.

"Give all 13 gate keys some alone time with Macao after he gets back to your guild," Leo replied.

"Really?" Lucy was shocked at this. Since when was Macao so popular?

"Guarantee it'll work," He smirked.

"Well... ok then," Lucy and Yukino said. "I guess it couldn't hurt."

"Oh, it'll hurt," Leo smirked.

"Huh?" Lucy did a double take.

"Nevermind. Forget I said anything!" Leo said and then disappeared.

~~~~~~Celestial spirit realm~~~~~~

"Alright Macao. Time to return home."

"But this is so much fun!" Macao protested, but before he could say anymore he was transported back to the guild. It took a few minutes before he was able to reorient himself, but when he did he saw Lucy and Yukino approaching.

"Hello Macao," the girls said in sync. "We have some friends who would like a word with you."

Macao paled as Leo came out, followed by all the other zodiac keys. The group headed down to the basement, dragging Macao with them.

As soon as everyone was out of sight Leo pulled out a baseball bat.

"Where's my money Brian?" He started, as Macao shivered in fear.

Nobody in the guild bothered to go down and check on the screams that echoed from the basement for the next few hours.

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That's a wrap! Don't forget to leave a review please! Pretty please? With mother fucking sugar on top?


	3. Chapter 3

**I don't own Fairy Tail or the characters. They all belong to Mashima.

Just another Omake. Was having a little writer's block while trying to work on another story, so hopefully I'm 'unblocked' now. XD. Read. Review. Etc. As usual, OOCness and Crossoverness abounds**

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 **Omake 4: Aquarius – I choose you!**

 **~~~~~~Hargeon Port, x784~~~~~~**

"We have another problem," Happy was saying as he and Lucy flew away from a slave ship in the harbor.

"What's that?" Lucy asked, worrying about her current situation.

"My transformation ran out," Happy said as his wings suddenly disappeared. Lucy plummeted into the sea with Happy not far behind her.

Fortunately on the bottom she saw something important. Her keys. She quickly came back up and thought quickly. She was in the water so…

"Aquarius, I choose you!"

When Aquarius appeared she didn't look very happy. In fact, she looked downright pissed. "Drop my key again and I'll kill you!" She yelled.

"Sorry, but could you take care of that ship for me? "

"Tch." The mermaid raised her urn that she carried everywhere and caused a huge title wave, washing Lucy, Happy, and the ship to shore.

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO WASH ME AWAY TOO!" Lucy yelled.

"Oops, I accidentally hit the ship," Aquarius commented. "Now don't call me for a while. I'll with my boyfriend." She paused for a second before reiterating, "with my boyfriend."

"You don't have to rub it in!" Lucy yelled.

"Hey, you're doing it wrong." A boy who looked to be about 10 or 11, in a red and white cap with black hair, called out from some distance away.

Completely ignoring the battle that was starting to destroy the town nearby, Lucy glared at the boy. "What do you mean I'm doing it wrong twerp?"

"Your Pokemon obvious doesn't listen to you," he said matter-of-factly. "That means you don't have enough experience as a trainer."

A tick mark appeared on Lucy's head. "Aquarius isn't a Pokemon. She's a celestial spirit."

The kid cocked his head to the side. "What's the difference?"

Lucy sighed. "Well, that's pretty simple. With magic, I can summon a celestial spirit as long as I have the key. Which means I can get all these powerful beings to assist me just by owning these little keys on my belt…"

"How do you get the keys?" He interrupted.

Lucy looked at him surreptitiously. "I can either buy them or take them from people I beat, or they can be given to me as gifts. Do you see the difference between us now?"

"I think so," the boy said. "Basically, I have to battle my pokemon, catch it, and train it every day to help it become strong in battle. My power as a trainer is determined by the types of pokemon I catch and how well I train them. You just get handed all your keys with these spirits that are already powerful. And your power is determined by some nebulous and arbitrary whim of some manga writer."

"Right… I mean NO! Well, you don't have to say it that way…"

"Yo Lucy, let's go!" She was interrupted by the pink-haired guy named Natsu dragging her off.

"Why would I go with you?!" She yelled.

"Don't you want to join Fairy Tail?"

"You're from Fairy Tail?!"

"Yeah, where have you been?"

 **Omake 5: Happy Doo and the Ghost Pirate Dragons**

Natsu, Gray, Erza, Lucy, and Happy were wandering through the abandoned streets of a small, forgotten town. They were here on a request to investigate rumors of ghost pirate dragons in the town.

"Like, Lucy, and Gray can go that way. Erza, Happy and I will check out the restaurants and the bakery!" Natsu exclaimed.

"Rappy-Roo! I mean Aye sir!" Happy said enthusiastically. And they rushed off to the abandoned restaurants, which for some reason were stocked with fresh food. Especially breads, lunchmeats, cheese, lettuce, and tomatoes. And anchovies.

Immediately, Natsu went to work creating a 15-decker salami, bologna, cheese, and anchovy sandwich. When he finally finished it, he was about to put it in his mouth before Happy suddenly jumped up and gulped it down in a single bite.

"Happy! That was my sandwich!" Natsu yelled.

Before he could berate the feline any further, a mournful roar sounded from another room in the restaurant. Natsu and Happy started shaking as a translucent white figure started stalking toward them. It was a few feet taller than the average human, had a long, scaly tale, and a dragon's head. It also had a wooden leg in place of one of its regular legs, and a ghost parrot on its shoulder.

"R-Roast!" Happy shouted.

"Don't you mean 'ghost,' Happy?" Natsu asked staring at the strange spirit.

"No, roast." Happy said, pulling out a 5 lb beef roast that caused Natsu to start salivating.

But when they looked again, the ghost was gone.

"How do you catch a ghost anyway?" Natsu asked.

"Hmm… Kagura might have some idea?" Erza said. "Mermaid Heel is only about an hour from here if we hurry.

"You're not just saying that because Fiore's best bakery is right next door to Mermaid Heel, right?" Natsu said.

"Of-of course not! I'm sure Kagura would have lots of experience with catching ghosts!" Erza deadpanned.

 **~~~~~~An hour later~~~~~~**

"So you had to stop by the bakery after all," Natsu said as he, Erza, and Happy emerged from the bakery, Erza with a very satisfied smile on her face.

"Of course! As a strawberry cake enthusiast, it's my duty to make sure this bakery's strawberry cake is up to par. Especially since it's right next door to…" Erza trailed off.

"Huh?" Natsu looked up and saw why she'd trailed off. Mermaid Heel looked…. Very different today. Instead of the stately guild hall of the all female guild, there was an old looking Japanese style shack with a sign that said "Odd Jobs" on the front.

"Umm… Kagura-chan?" Erza called out tentatively.

"Did someone call?" An orange haired girl who looked to be about 14 or 15 emerged from the building, carrying an umbrella. "Oh! New clients?"

"Umm… who are you?" Natsu asked, staring at the girl.

Just then a man with white hair in a white yukata emerged, his pinky buried deep in his nose. "What are you doing Kagura? If we've got customers let's invite them in?"

"The red haired one acted like she knew me, Gin-san," the girl said as an enormous white dog emerged behind them.

"Umm, what are you guys doing here, and what happened to Mermaid Heel?" Natsu asked.

"What's Mermaid Heel? And we've always been here…." The man Kagura had called Gin trailed off, looking around.

"Sudaharu, I think we're not in Kansas anymore," Kagura said quietly to the dog.

"What's Kansas?" Another teen, this one with dark hair and glasses, emerged from the building.

"I don't know. Just felt like the right thing to say at the moment." Kagura replied.

"Well, since you guys say you do odd jobs, maybe you could help us catch some ghosts…"

"Ghosts?!" The white-haired man became pale. "There's only one thing to do when you're dealing with ghosts! I've gotta' make a phone call."

"Who you gonna' call?" Happy asked

"Who you gonna call?" Natsu echoed.

"Ghostbusters!" Gin replied.

They all waited as he put it on speaker. The line dialed, rang twice, and went to voice mail.

"Thank you for calling ghostbusters. Unfortunately, we are unavailable at this time. A client recently contacted us requesting that we sweep a place known as the 'paths of the dead.' Upon further inspection, the job proved larger than we initially estimated, and will take a very long time. Please call again sometime next year."

"Well, that's a bust." Gin said.

"Well why don't you guys come help with the ghosts… nani?" Natsu exclaimed. Kagura was suddenly wearing very red slippers. She tapped them together, reciting "there's no place like home" in a monotone till the entire building, along with its strange residents, disappeared. Mermaid Heel then fell out of the sky, landing right where the building had been a moment ago.

"Fucking tornados," commented Kagura as she came out of the guild.

 **~~~~~~Much later~~~~~~**

"So you see," Erza was explaining to the council, "Mr. Jeeves was putting these magic 'ghosts' all around town to scare people off so he could smuggle his 'bad hair day' salami through the abandoned restaurants."

"And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for these damned kids," Mr. Jeeves growled.

"Ummm, Erza… Did you say 'bad hair day' salami?" Happy asked worriedly.

"Yeah," Erza said. "Supposedly, anyone who eats the salami will wake up the next morning and have the worst hair day of their entire life. The king banned it from Fiore after being given some as a prank by his advisors."

 **~~~~~~The Next Morning~~~~~~~**

"Mmmm…" Natsu yawned as he got off the bed. Noticing a soft, warm feeling under his feet he looked down.

"Wow," he said. "I don't remember getting a new throw rug, but this actually feels pretty good." He burrowed his feet into the blue rug, then jumped back when it hissed at him.

"Hey! Bad rug!" He sighed. Apparently it was just going to be one of those days.

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So that's it. Like it? Leave a review. Hate it? Don't really care. That's your problem. XD But leave a review anyway if you want. Flames only feed the fire!


	4. Chapter 4

**I don't own Fairy Tail or the characters.

Still writing on my phone so won't do long A/N. Read and review as always.**

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Omake 6: Keepin it T rated

\- -Sometime during the GMG-

"Let's party it up!" After another long day at the games, the Fairy Tail mages were more than ready for a break. Of course, not everything was status quo. For example, the person calling the party to order wasn't even part if the guild. Bacchus sat at the bar, a full keg tipped to his lips as he guzzled down his favorite beverage.

"Let's see who can drink more," Cana challenged as she tipped her own keg to her lips.

"Haha you're on. Don't complain when you end up passed out on the floor!" Bacchus responded with a smirk.

"Drinking contests are a man!" Elfman exclaimed, deciding to join in.

A few drinks later he was passed out on the bar. Bacchus then turned to Mirajane.

"Hey sexy. Just because I lost doesn't mean we can't have that threesome."

Mirajane smiled sweetly at Cana. "Sorry Cana, but I'm gonna have to put your drinking contest on hold."

"Giggity!" Bacchus exclaimed, leering at her.

But what came next was not at all what he was expecting. The white haired beauty turned into a demon and started beating him before he even had a chance to defend himself.

"Haha! You got owned bro! That's what you get for trying to muscle in on my turf!" Laxus hooted.

Without looking up from the beating she was delivering Mira said in her most demonic tones, "Do I need to remind you that I'm not your turf, Sparky?"

"No! I like my baby makers!" Laxus yelped as he covered his genitals with his hands.

Suddenly Erza stood up from her seat, a terrifying aura radiating from her. She looked towards the door before declaring in a voice so determined and terrifying that it made half the guild piss themselves, "blood will flow."

At the same moment Mirajane stopped delivering the worst beating Bacchus ever experienced, her demon eyes twitching and her aura turning deadly. "Some bitch wants to die," she growled.

The guild could only watch as the two strongest women in Fairy Tail suddenly disappeared through the door, murder in their eyes. Kami help the poor soul they were seeking out...

~~~~~~A hotel room not far from the inn~~~~~~

"Mmmmmm" A busty girl with long black hair moaned into Natsu's mouth. Her blue dress, if something so revealing could actually be called a dress, was pulled down a little in the front, revealing two large white mounds barely contained in a lacy black bra.

Suddenly Natsu pushed her back, a chill going down his spine.

"What's wrong Natsu-kun~?" She purred, grinding her pelvis against him. "Aren't you enjoying this?"

"Of-of course Minerva," Natsu groaned. "But I have a feeling something bad will happen if we keep going."

"Oh yes," Minerva giggled, capturing his lips again for a second. "Something very naughty will happen and I'll enjoy every minute of it..." she recaptured his lips, cutting off any response he might offer. At the same moment she pulled her top down even further and unclasped her bra straps, allowing the undergarment to fall off and revealing her massive boobs.

Natsu felt blood dripping from his nostril as he forgot all about the bad feeling he just experienced. He reached out, massaging one of the massive mounds with his hand. Minerva moaned in pleasure, gyrating her hips and grinding against his hardening manhood.

Suddenly a terrifying aura filled the room as the door burst open. A scarlet haired beauty and a sexy white haired mage burst into the room, ripping Minerva off the dragon slayer.

"Just what do you think you're doing with our Natsu?" Erza yelled at Minerva while Mirajane turned to Natsu.

"Natsu," she said, her voice terrifyingly sweet. "Were you about to make someone besides me your first?"

Natsu could only squeak in terror as the demon approached...

[The brutality of this scene has been deemed inappropriate for some audiences. In the interest of keeping this production T rated, please enjoy the following scene instead]

Back at the Fairy Tail inn, Lucy had now grabbed Happy by the tail and was beating him against a rug.

"Lucy," the feline whined. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"I don't know," Lucy shrugged. "I was just told to do this for the next 15 minutes. Filler content or something."

"Ow..." Happy replied as he was slammed against the rug again.

[And now we return to our favorite dragon slayer]

Natsu groaned as his eyelids fluttered open. He immediately noticed three things.

One, he was sore all over. Two, he was cuffed and tied, naked, to a bed. And three, both Mirajane and Erza were sitting on his stomach, also naked. He groaned, rubbing his head as he picked it up.

"Alright, I get it. You can untie me now."

"Oh good, you're awake." Erza said as she turned toward him. "We can get started now."

"We're not untying you," Mira added. "You've been a very naughty dragon, and you need to be taught a lesson."

A sudden concern came to Natsu's mind. "What did you two do to Minerva?"

"That slut?" Erza giggled. "Don't worry, she'll live."

"Probably," Mira added.

"As long as the healers we called in do their job," Erza smirked.

"Now let's get started," Mira smirked...

[This scene has been deemed in appropriate for some audiences. In the interest of keeping it T rated, please pay attention as we cut to professor Happy, who will explain what's going on]

We see Happy with his trusty flip board, a stick in one hand.

"Alright. For our first scenario, we have a boy rabbit and a girl rabbit." Happy points to a crude drawing of two rabbits on the first page.

"The boy rabbit likes the girl rabbit. So they spend lots of time doing things that I don't fully understand. I only know it's some big secret related to birds and bees somehow."

Professor Happy then flips to the next page, which shows the two rabbits drawn first and a bunch of smaller rabbits. "After that the girl rabbit pops out a bunch of baby rabbits and they all live happily ever after. Questions?"

[As hands pop up all over the room, we return to our favorite dragon slayer]

"Ah... that was amazing," Mirajane said as she untied the dragon slayer before collapsing onto the bed next to him.

"We'll have to do it again," Erza agreed as she laid, exhausted, on the other side.

"If you girls are done you shouldn't have untied me..." Natsu said with a smirk. "Cause this room has a fireplace."

The flames from the fire disappeared into his mouth as Erza and Mira looked at each other, mentally preparing for round 7.


	5. Chapter 5

**me no own. Mashima own.

Yep. Still on my smart phone here. So... here's the next omake:p

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Omake 7: like a [guild] boss

It was a big day for Fairy Tail. Jason from Sorcerer was coming to interview the guild master of Fairy Tail, the biggest and best guild in Fiore.

Makarov stood tall and proud for his interview, holding his head high-

Jason: (to author) wait. Did you just use Makarov and tall in the same sentence?

Author: yes. It's a figure of speech.

Jason: Makarov's figure is anything but tall.

Author: well I couldn't very well say short and proud, could I?

Jason: you could've just left his height out of it altogether.

Author: *sigh* I guess you're right...

Makarov stood proud, his head held as high as it would reach from its perch atop his vertically challenged neck...

Jason: you don't want to insult the dude! Just leave his height out of it!

Makarov stood proud. His head wasn't held low, but neither was it high due to the spacial constraints imposed on it by its attachment to his neck.

Jason: whatever. Just get on with the story

The whole guild watched as Jason came in. Well, almost the whole guild. Natsu seemed to be focusing very hard on nothing. A look of immense concentration on his face.

Ignoring the dragon slayer, Jason made his way to the front where Makarov stood.

"Makarov... COOL! What's it like to be the matter of Fiore's number 1 guild."

"I prefer to be called the [guild] boss," Makarov declared imperiously.

[[A/N if you've never seen it, look for"like a boss" by the lonely island and watch it.]]

"Ummm... ok..." Jason shrugged and pulled out his pen, preparing to write. "Well how about you walk me through a day in the life of a guild master... er boss."

"Well the first thing that I do is..."

"Talk to the council...

Like a [guild] boss

Drink some beer...

Like a [guild] boss

My own office...

Like a [guild] boss

Hit on Mira...

Like a [guild] boss

Get rejected...

Like a [guild] boss

Swallow sadness...

Like a [guild] boss

Call a sex line...

Like a [guild] boss

Cry deeply...

Like a [guild] boss

Drink more beer...

Like a [guild] boss

What's a birthday?

Like a [guild] boss

Go to meetings...

Like a [guild] boss

Fuck the council...

Like a [guild] boss

Drink more beer...

Like a [guild] boss

Puke on job requests...

Like a [guild] boss

Burn some letters...

Like a [guild] boss

Shit on job requests...

Like a [guild] boss

Out the window...

Like a [guild] boss

Suck a dude's dick...

Like a [guild] boss

Chop My balls off...

Like a [guild] boss

Meet a giant mole...

Like a [guild] boss

Fuck its brains out...

Like a [guild] boss

Suck my own dick...

Like a [guild] boss

Turn into a titan...

Like a [guild] boss

Crush a dark mage...

Like a [guild] boss

Eat some poison...

Like a [guild] boss

Turn all green and shit...

Like a [guild] boss

Now I'm dead

"So an average day in your life involves cutting your dick off and dying?"

"No doubt..."

Before the questions could continue further a rather odd groan from Natsu interrupted the flow of the interview. Makarov looked at the pink haired mage in annoyance.

"Something wrong Natsu?"

"Uh... no. Ummm... your interview was so epic that I jizzed in my pants."

Before Makarov could reply there was a giggle from under the table. "More like jizzed on my face..."

"Mira! You're gonna get us caught!" Another voice said in a loud whisper.

"Natsu, what's going on?" Lucy asked suspiciously, glaring at the dragon slayer.

Natsu started sweating profusely. "Well, uh... it's just the new talking tables Gray ordered as a prank." He said rubbing the back of his head.

"Oh. Ok," Lucy smiled and went back to whatever she was doing.

"I can't believe she fell for that!" The 'table' whispered loudly.

"Shush!" The 'table's' other voice whispered.

"Well this has been very eye opening for me," Jason said.

"I'm a [guild] boss." Makarov replied.

"Yeah, you said that already." Jason said as he started walking away.

Everyone stared after Jason as he left. As soon as he was gone every Fairy Tail wizard simultaneously said, "I can't wait to see the next issue of Sorcerer."

Silence descended on the guild till it was broken by Natsu's table jolting suddenly, corresponding to a muffled moan.

"The agreement was to do this quietly!You're gonna get us caught," hissed a voice.

"I couldn't help it!" Another voice protested. "You know you can't control your body during an orgasm!"

Suddenly all eyes turned to Natsu, who was turning red but not moving to get up. "What are you guys staring at?" He asked nervously.

"Yeah guys. It's just the talking table prank remember?" Lucy said.

Everyone stared at her incredulously as 'the table' erupted into giggles.

Omake 8: Driving a Laxus

"Hey, it's my turn to drive the Laxus!" A 7 year old boy yelled. "Hand over the key!"

Laxus Dreyar groaned as another boy handed the 'key,' a magic prod that hurt like a bitch when it touched his skin, to the waiting kid. How did this happen anyway?

Well, the x793 GMG were over, and Laxus just lost one hell of a bet.

**FLASHBACK ALERT**

"Hey Laxus! Bet I can empty the swimming pool faster than you can!" Natsu smirked.

"Like hell you can bastard!" Laxus replied to the challenge confidently.

"Then prove it! Loser gets to be the winner's slave for a day!"

"Fine. I'm gonna enjoy making you my slave for the day!"

"Hahaha good luck with that. Why don't you go ahead and start?" Natsu grinned.

"Alright." Laxus started charging his lightning.

"On my count..." Natsu smirked. "3.. 2.. 1.. go!"

Instantly lightning shot from his hands and into the pool. There were shrieks and everyone quickly got out off the water. Within seconds nobody was left in the pool.

"Beat that," Laxus smirked, confident in his win.

"Well, you got everyone out fast, I'll give you that," Natsu said. He then just stood there waiting for everyone to get back in.

When everyone was back in the pool he smirked.

"Fire dragon king mode." Instantly the pool water evaporated, and annoyed and very hot mages whose bathing suits were melting off quickly ascended the ladders and got out of the area.

"Not bad," Laxus smirked. "But looks like I win."

"I don't think do," Natsu smirked. "As I recall the pool was never totally empty after your turn." He paused, and just as Laxus was starting to ask what the hell he meant he added. "There was still water in it."

"That doesn't count!" Roared Laxus, extremely annoyed at this unexpected turn of events. Since when could Natsu be so... devious?

"Oh it counts," a devilish sweet voice caused Laxus to groan as Mirajane appeared. "The terms were to empty the pool, not get the people out. Admit you lost Sparky."

Laxus groaned and buried his face in his hands. He knew this was one argument he wasn't going to win. But at least now he knew who the mastermind was...

**Back to present**

"Vroom vroom," the kid yelled as he rode around on Laxus's shoulders, tugging his ears hard whenever he wanted to turn.

Just when he thought his patience couldn't hold out another second, Natsu and Mira came back to give him his next instructions.

"What the fuck took so long?" He glared.

"Stuff," was the only answer he got. 'We're headed to the guild now."

When they got close to the guild, Natsu stopped, smirking at Laxus. "Time to get you ready for the day," He said.

~~~~~~inside the guild~~~~~~

Gray sat quietly at the bar, wondering why the noisy dragon slayer wasn't there yet. For the past week he'd done nothing but brag about how humiliated Laxus would be once he was done with the day. Now he was late.

Gray smirked. Laxus probably just refused to participate, and the dragon slayer couldn't do anything about it. Yeah. That was what-

"Hell no! I'm not doing that!" He heard from outside.

"Do I need to remind you what will happen if you don't hold up your end of the bargain?"

Silence. Gray quickly got up, following the crowd that was flocking to the door.

What they saw was both shocking and hilarious. Laxus was a few feet in front of Natsu, wearing a yellow suit that made him look like his belly extended all the way down to his feet, which flopped out from just under whatever padding was there. His arms weren't much better, and he had a sort of lightning shaped tall with a black tip. The suit also had two long, black tipped ears and round bright red cheeks.

"Pikachu use thundershock!" Natsu yelled.

"I'm gonna kill you Natsu!" Laxus grumbled.

"We discussed this already," Natsu smirked. "If I hear one more thing from you other than what we discussed I'm counting your end of the deal broken, and you know what that means..."

Laxus's eyes clearly revealed his annoyance, but also a hint of fear at the threatened consequences. Turning back, he began to gather thunder into a ball over a nearby tree. "Pika... chu!" As he said 'chu' he released the lighting down into the tree, causing it to explode.

"Great job pikachu." Natsu smirked. "Now let's go inside."

Natsu kicked the doors open as usual, causing everyone to sweat drop at his antics. It's not like anyone could've missed what was happening outside after all.

As soon as they were all in the guild, Natsu called out, "Alright Pikachu! Let's see the Pikachu dance!"

Though he shot Natsu a death glare, Laxus complied with the command. He began hopping from side to side, waving his arms frantically while saying, "Pikachu. Pika pika. Pika chu. Chu. Pika. Pi pika. Pikachu."

At this point the guild was filled with laughter, and photo lacrimas were pulled out everywhere.

"Pikachu, use body slam on Freed!" Natsu yelled.

Freed sweat dropped and tried to move as 'pikachu' charged him, but was unable to get clear in time. Moments later Laxus got up, leaving Freed feeling a bit dizzy on the floor. "I'm hungry," He complained.

"I'll let that one slide because it wasn't an act of defiance," Natsu smirked. "But don't let it happen again."

Sweat dropping Laxus approached the bar and started motioning toward the food and beer with his 'arms.'

"Pika pi. Pika. Pikachu."

"Alright, we'll feed you then." Natsu said still smirking. "Kinana, let's get some pokemon food."

This went on for a few hours before the city suddenly started shaking. A huge smirk came across Natsu's face as people started yelling, "the Gildarts shift! Gildarts is back."

Soon the doors opened to reveal the older crash mage. Natsu didn't waste a second. "Pikachu, quick attack. Now!"

"Pika pi..." The tones sounded annoyed and complaining. Over the past few hours Laxus became very good at expressing himself with just three syllables.

"I said now," Natsu smirked.

"Pi pi pi pi..." Laxus charged the crash mage in a zigzag pattern, moving almost too fast for the eyes to follow. But when he sprung the attack, the result was the same as Natsu's millions of attempts.

"Laxus?!" Gildarts exclaimed in surprise. He then looked at Natsu. Then back at the downed thunder mage. Slowly a chuckle formed in his throat, deepening slowly into a guffaw before giving way entirely to boisterous laughter.

"Oh shit this is to good!" He gasped out. "I like the new Laxus. He should stay like this."

"Fuck you old-"

"Need a reminder of our deal Pikachu?" Natsu smirked.

"PIKA PI. PIKACHU!" Laxus shouted, annoyed, before stomping of toward the bar.

Yep. This was a day Laxus Dreyar would never live down.

* * *

There you go. Read and review as always


	6. Omake 9: Laxus is WHAT!

**I don't own Fairy Tail, Mashima does.

I'm back with another random Omake. For better or for worse, here it is! I've decided to title this one: Laxus is WHAT?!

Read it and find out xD**

* * *

"Come on Laxus, fight me! I'm much stronger than I was!"

Everyone in Fairy Tail stared in shock as the dragon slayer chased the older dragon slayer around, begging for a fight.

Why were they staring in shock? I mean, this was an every day occurrence, right? Natsu was always begging Laxus to give him another fight!

So yeah, it would've been normal. Except one thing.

The dragon slayer begging for a fight was Sting Eucliffe.

Yep. Sabertooth was in town. The whole kit and caboodle of them. And apparently, Sting had nothing better to do but come and pick a fight with Natsu.

But Natsu was gone on a SS class mission with Erza and Mirajane, so the holy dragon slayer picked the next best option. That, to him at least, was Laxus.

Oh well, at least he was the only one who had nothing better to do in the city of Magnolia than chase Fairy Tail dragon slayers around looking for a fight…

"Gajeel! Fight me!"

Ok. Scratch that. Sting Eucliffe and Rogue Cheney were apparently equally void of something that many of us like to call 'a life.'

"Ok Sting…"

The whole guild looked up from the books, drinks, and food they'd just been returning to. Eyes popped, bulging almost out of heads as the brains inside the heads tried to comprehend what they'd just heard. Or, at least, tried to believe it. Had Laxus actually agreed to fight Sting?

"Let's take this outside though. Wouldn't want to accidentally destroy the guild."

At the bar, a bald-headed short man in a jester outfit silently offered thanks to every god, goddess, demon, demoness, dragon, dragoness, hero, villain, heroine, villainess, waiter, waitress, and finally Chuck Norris.

By the time he was finished running through the list, the guild had migrated outside where they looked on with interest.

"Alright, since I'm feeling generous, I'll give you 20 seconds to attack me before I start hitting back."

"You cocky jerk! I'm gonna' pummel you into the ground in 10!" Sting declared before launching his attacks.

"Light Dragon's Roar!" Laxus easily evaded the breath attack of his opponent. He moved so quickly the eye couldn't follow his motion, yet in such a way that looked as though he was just easily stepping from side to side in an unhurried, casual manner.

"Light Dragon's Claw! Light Dragon's Wing Attack! Light Dragon's Talon!" Sting started pumping out attack after attack, but Laxus merely moved out of the way of each one.

Finally Sting used his ultimate attack. There was a blinding flash of light that forced everyone to look away for several minutes, but when it cleared it revealed Laxus, his index finger pressed to Sting's extended fist. His lips moved, and everyone strained to hear what he was saying.

"20." The word was spoken quietly but with great weight, and the lightning dragon slayer started his counter attack. "Lightning Dragon's Breakdown Fist!"

Everyone watched in shock and awe as the attack flew toward Sting, who stood frozen in fear. It was an easy defeat! Not even a challenge to hit the quivering, shaking dragon slayer who just realized how outclassed he was!

Until the attack flew by him to the right, impacting the ground hard.

Everyone looked out, confused. Did Laxus just… miss?

"Raging Bolt!" Sting was sure he was a goner this time, but the attack flew by to the left, missing him by almost 10 feet.

"Lightning Dragon's Heavenward Halberd!" Sting nearly shit himself at the massive amount of magic coming at him, but the attack flew over his head and fizzled out in the distance.

"Dude, are you fucking blind? I'm right here!" He started taunting his opponent. But he didn't get the response he was expecting. Laxus' shoulders slumped, and he held out a hand, motioning him closer.

Hesitantly, never dropping his guard, Sting moved in, leaning his head in to hear what the older dragon slayer was trying to say.

"I didn't want anyone to find out, but… yeah, I can't see a fucking thing."

Sting's mouth hung open in shock. Laxus was blind?! If he were a reporter this would be the scoop of the century! No, the millennium! But how? How long? Was he always blind, or was this a new development?!

"How?..." He whispered back, shocked.

"Well… I always thought they were nothing more than crazy rumors, ya know. I mean… shit. Touch yourself too much and you go blind? There's no way in hell, right?" He lowered his voice a little more. "Well, boy was I surprised to find out the tall tales were true."

Sting's mind was racing. Those were nothing but rumors started to scare little kids out of playing with themselves! Everyone knew that! But here he had a first-hand report of it…. He couldn't believe it! He had to confirm what he was hearing. "You do?..."

Laxus nodded. "2 or 3 times every day. I just can't stop. In the bathroom, the infirmary, Fairy Hills…"

"I meant you do go blind from touching yourself too much…" Sting was receiving more information than he wanted about his other role model.

"Oh, yeah." Laxus said. "Trust me, I didn't believe it either."

"When did it happen?" Sting was really curious now.

"Well," Laxus said. "About a week ago I was sitting in the bathroom, wanking to Mira's latest spread, when all of the sudden everything went pitch black, right when I was about to cum too! Man I was pissed. Had blueballs for like 3 days!"

"And you've been blind ever since?"

"Nope, then I got up, felt my way out of the shitter, turned the lights back on, and went and kicked Natsu and Gray's asses for turning the lights off while I was in the bathroom…"

Sting sweat-dropped, wondering how this was relevant to their discussion. "You were going to tell me when you realized you were blind."

"Oh, right…" Laxus scratched his head. "Well then a few days ago I was at Lamia scale, and it had been almost 8 hours since the last time I jacked off, you know. So I was getting desperate. So I snuck away from Orga, who was following me around like a fangirl asking how I beat Jura, and slipped into the nearest bathroom. I pulled out 'Revenge of Tentacles: Sakura Takes 8" and started wankin again, when suddenly who should come in but Obaba, buck-fucking naked. I screamed like a little girl and everything went black. And I got blueballs again… damn that was painful."

"Are you sure you went blind from touching yourself too much and not from seeing Obaba naked?" Sting sweat-dropped again.

"Oh, no. After I opened my eyes I could see fine again." Laxus said. "But then last night I had my usual evening wank right before bed and fell asleep with my dick in my hand. Then, when I woke up in the morning… I opened my eyes, and nothing! Everything was pitch black. "

"Oh fuck…" Sting started freaking the fuck out.

"Oh, one more thing…" Laxus said.

"What?"

"Thanks for coming in close. I don't have to aim now." Suddenly a supercharged fist hit him, knocking him over 50 feet into the air before he came down hard, unable to get up.

 **~~~~~~That evening at Sabertooth~~~~~~**

"Jenny's nude shoot. Secret pics of Yukino in her underwear. Oooh – is that Minerva's panties?"

Rogue was going through a collection of pictures and videos that Sting brought in, declaring he was giving them away. He looked up at the blonde dragon slayer. "What made you decide to give all these away? I mean, I know some of these had to be really hard to get!"

"I'm just over them," Sting said. Rogue could tell he was lying. He looked like he was seriously freaking out. But he wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth. He went back to going through the materials he was offered.

"Dude, these are worthless," he said as he came across about 5 or 6 photos of Lucy Heartfilia's underwear. The whole world had seen that, and probably more, at some point or another. "Oooh, this one's good though! How the fuck did you even get this?" The picture, though it was a little blurry, showed Kagura, Mermaid Heel's ace, with her shirt pulled over her head and no bra. The picture was taken from a back angle, so only a little boob was visible, but on the closed off, generally well-dressed mermaid it was more than enough to get Rogue excited.

"Well, I'm gonna' leave this all here," Sting said, heading for the door. "I don't care what you do with the stuff you don't want. Just don't bring it back to me. I never want to see it again."

"Ummm… Ok dude…" Rogue watched his fellow dragon slayer depart, wondering what in the world got into the hugest pervert in Sabertooth.

 **~~~~~~Meanwhile, back at Fairy Tail~~~~~~**

"Why didn't you tell me you were blind, Laxus?" A scarlet faced Wendy had managed to get the dragon slayer away from the rest of the group. Her enhanced dragon senses had apparently allowed her to listen to the whole conversation, and though she was obviously very uncomfortable she wanted to help.

"Wendy, I'm not blind." Laxus said.

"But I just heard—"

"I recently found out Sting is a huge closet pervert, so I thought I'd have a little fun with him," Laxus said. "Do you really think I would've even fought him if there weren't something in it for me?"

"Oh…" Wendy felt a little foolish for not realizing it sooner. Of course it wasn't true that one could go blind from touching themselves too much… It was just one of those rumors adults started to scare kids.

"Man I wish I could see what he's doing right now," Laxus said, staring off in the direction of Sabertooth. "I bet he's still freaking out that he's gonna' go blind any day now."

He was so caught up in thinking about the Sabertooth mage that he missed Wendy's relieved sigh behind him.

* * *

Remember to review if you liked!


	7. Transformus Vegetabalus Cannibalus

**I don't own Fairy Tail or anything in it. That all belongs to Mashima.

So here's the next Omake. Hopefully you enjoy it!**

* * *

 **Omake 10: Vegetabalus Transformus Cannibalus**

The war with Alvarez was long since over. Team Natsu, now composed of the strongest mages in Earthland, and Happy, Carla, and Lucy, was requested on so many jobs that they soon had more money than they knew what to do with. Then, as the job requests stopped pouring in due to Fairy Tail being so awesome that no monsters or people dared to cause trouble in Fiore, they started to get bored.

And that was how it all started…

 **~~~~~~Lucy's apartment~~~~~~**

"Man, there's literally nothing to do around here," Gray growled as he sipped some honey whiskey on the couch.

"Oh, stop whining," said Erza as she pulled an entire strawberry cake out of Lucy's fridge and began digging into it.

"Yeah, Natsu will be back soon. He promised he was gonna' bring us something good." Wendy smiled.

"By the way Wendy," Lucy addressed the bluenette. "Where's Carla?"

"Oh, she said something about not wanting to be around when Natsu comes back," Wendy said sheepishly. Apparently the white cat still didn't approve of the pink-haired dragon slayer.

"Speaking of flame brain, where is he? I wanna' find out what this amazing shit he's getting from Sting and Rogue is," Gray grumbled.

Just then the door to the apartment flew open and Natsu came up, hauling a black bag that looked like it was packed to the brim behind him. Happy flew in with him, a big grin on the exceed's face. Gray, Erza, Lucy, and Wendy all looked at the bag curiously. Did this contain the big secret from Sting and Rogue that promised relief from their boredom?

"Alright everyone, I've got it!" Natsu declared with a smirk. He then reached into the bag and pulled out…

10 pipes, a large, glass thing that had a tube coming out of one side near the bottom and a long neck at the top, and a bag that looked to be no more than a pound filled with what looked like some kind of dried green herb.

"Alright," he said, putting the glass thing to the side. "We're not gonna' use this for now. Sting and Rogue explained how, but it was kinda' tricky, so I told them they'd have to come here and show us one of these days."

"Umm… What is all this Natsu-san?" Wendy asked timidly.

"Oh," Natsu grinned. "It's called Mary… Mary won… Mary won something."

"What are we supposed to do with it Natsu?" Erza demanded, looking over the stuff suspiciously.

"Oh," Natsu grinned. "You put the green stuff in the pipe, and I'll light it for you. Then we smoke it."

"That doesn't sound like that much fun," Gray said, looking a little disappointed.

"Sting and Rogue promised we'd love it, so if we don't, we'll have to have our fun by going and beating the shit out of them for lying to us," Natsu said with a smirk.

"I can live with that," Erza said as she took a pipe.

"Me too," Gray said as he grabbed one.

"I don't know how I feel about kicking the shit out of them…" Wendy said as she took a pipe.

"It'll be fun, relax Wendy," Lucy said as she took one as well.

"Yeah, if only Carla were here…" Happy moaned, though he also took the pipe that was offered.

Soon they had all packed the pipes with the… dried green substance… and Natsu lit everyone's pipes. Once they were all lit, Natsu explained, "Sting and Rogue said you have to inhale the smoke all the way into your lungs to get the effect. Like this…" with that he inhaled deeply, the smoke going down into his lungs. Then he erupted into a coughing fit.

"Haha – flame brain can't handle it!" Gray smirked before inhaling as well. Then he immediately started coughing too.

As each member inhaled their first draft, they succumbed to the coughing. Even Erza, who tried as hard as she could to resist the need to cough, ended up coughing several times.

"Oh yeah," Natsu said before taking another hit from the pipe. "Sting and Rogue did say you might cough the first couple times… but then it shouldn't happen anymore."

After a few hits, Erza was looking at the pipe. "I'm not sure how this is supposed to be fun," she said. "I suppose the flavor of the smoke is not unpleasant, but the smoking itself takes some getting used to."

"I don't know bro," Gray said, leaning back against the couch and taking another long hit. "It's kind of relaxing if you ask me."

"I suppose you're right," Erza said as she began to alternate between taking hits on the pipe and shoveling down strawberry cake.

"Yeah bro…" Natsu grinned at Gray. "I don't even feel like punching your pimply face in right now."

"Right back at ya' bro," Gray said with a similar smirk, his relaxed posture never changing.

"I wonder if Ethernano is like midichlorians…" Lucy said, gazing at the ceiling thoughtfully.

"I hope not," giggled Happy. "Because that would make me Yoda."

"Yoda, You?" Natsu laughed. "More like an Ewok."

"I agree. If our magic power transferred over, Happy's would be more on par with the fuzzy moon creatures than the great Jedi master," Erza said.

"Plus he's furry," Gray noted.

"Would that make Zeref Darth Vader?" Natsu asked.

"More like the emperor at his age," Lucy giggled. "Plus he doesn't wear a helmet."

"Why are fire dragons red?" Erza asked.

"Well, that came out of nowhere," Natsu blinked.

"Well, they could be any color, right? I mean, it's not like they have to be the color of fire just because they breathe fire…"

"She kinda' has a point there," Gray said. "Why are they red?"

"I mean, I can understand metal dragons. They're kinda' metal, after all. But with fire dragons it's just red scales…"

"Alright, can we stop talking about why fire dragons are red now?" Natsu asked, sweat-dropping.

"Sure bro, I gotta take a dump anyway," Gray said.

"Don't stink it up too bad," Natsu said. "I feel one coming on too."

"I'll take an extra big one for you then bro," Gray said as he headed into Lucy's bathroom.

"Dude…" Happy was staring at his pipe dreamily. "Do you think there's a spell to take Millianna's personality and put it in Carla?"

"Why would you want to do that Happy?" Natsu asked lazily.

"Because every time Millianna sees me she can't stay away," Happy said. "If I could make Carla like that, we could both be happy."

"Aww, she likes you buddy. She's just slow to admit it," Natsu said.

"Light me up Natsu," Erza presented a re-filled pipe to Natsu, who promptly obliged her.

 **~~~~~~6 months later~~~~~~~**

"Looks like Natsu's late again dude," Gray said, taking another puff of the joint he'd just rolled.

"Yeah, and he's supposedly got something super special to show us," Mira said, also leaning back. In the last six months she, Lisanna, and Juvia had all joined the little group that was smoking the amazing new weed Natsu introduced them to.

"I wonder what it is," Erza giggled, leaning back against the two-seater couch that she'd bought for Lucy's apartment. The other half remained empty, reserved for Natsu. Then her face darkened. "It better be worth him making me wait."

Just then the door burst open and Natsu burst in, once again lugging an enormous bag behind him.

"Hey guys, check this out!" He began dumping the bag on the floor. The others watched, confused, as lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, unions, and various other vegetables poured out of the bag onto the floor. "I learned a spell that will turn ordinary vegetables into weed!"

"Oh, this I gotta' see," Gray said with a smirk.

"But we don't need it," Erza said. "Natsu, we have so much money that we can't even spend the money our money is making fast enough."

"It's not about needing it Erza," Natsu said matter-of-factly. "It's about having fun. I think you need to take another hit off the bong."

As Erza complied, Natsu pushed the vegetables to the side, then grabbed some chalk and drew a large magic circle on the floor. He then promptly pushed the vegetables into the magic circle.

"Alright… Here goes… Vegetabalus Transformus Cannibalus!"

As they watched in anticipation, the vegetables all started to grow larger. Then there was a flash, and suddenly the entire collection of vegetables was at least twice the height of a normal human. The room was now crowded with vegetables, all sporting hands, feet, and mouths lined with pointy fangs, pushing the other inhabitants to the side.

"Umm… I think I may have messed up the spell…" Natsu said, looking at the creatures in front of him.

"YA THINK?!" Lucy ripped the paper he'd been reading from out of his hands, scanning it quickly. "Cannabis! You were supposed to say Cannabis! Not Cannibalus!"

"Calm down dude," Erza said passing her the bong. "It's not like they're threatening us."

"Yeah," said Gray. "They're all, like, just staring… at Natsu…"

"Why at me?" Natsu asked, groaning.

"Probably because you created them. They're waiting for instructions," Mira conjectured.

"Oh…" Natsu coughed. "Ummm… go to the guild and scare the shit out of them," he said, waving them away.

Immediately the giant, large fanged spinach, lettuce, tomatoes, broccoli, carrots, cucumbers, onions, and other assorted vegetables made their way out of the apartment and started down the streets of Magnolia toward the guild. The inhabitants of the room stared after them through the haze that filled the room.

"Should we go after them, just in case?"

"Nah… They'll be fine bro."

Just then Wendy dashed in. "Did I miss it?"

"Yeah, sorry Wendy. You were late," Erza handed a bowl to Wendy, who promptly took a good long puff.

"Shit…." Wendy sighed. "It's getting harder to get away from Carla every time. I had to convince her I was going to a special dragon slayer thing and that Happy was at the guild…"

"Well, she'll be looking for you soon then," Happy said as he settled onto the two-seater, which Erza and Natsu were already occupying.

"That's if she survives the cannibal vegetables," Gray said with a smirk.

"Cannibal vegetables?!" Wendy's eyes widened in shock.

"Yeah. Natsu messed up his spell, and now there's an army of cannibal vegetables heading for the guild."

"Shouldn't we help them?" Wendy asked.

"They'll be fine," Natsu said as he took another hit off his bowl. "I just told the vegetables to give 'em a good scare…"

"Oh. Ok." Wendy settled into a chair that was up against a wall.

"You know," Gray said as he took another hit. "Carla should join us this time. It might help get that stick out of her ass."

"Come on Gray, you know Carla doesn't have a stick up her ass," Wendy said, taking another long hit from her bowl. She then giggled softly before adding, "it's more like a tree stump."

"OOOOHHHH! Sick burn!" Laughter went up around the room.

 **~~~~~~At Fairy Tail~~~~~~**

"I don't care what you say, you'll never convince me to eat that shit."

Gajeel watched as Levy dug into her favorite food. She looked up, pausing between bites.

"What's not to like?" She asked. "Kinana makes the most amazing salads! I love the way the lettuce leaves crunch in my mouth, and the tomatoes are always sliced just right… There's just the right amount of spinach, and it's all so crispy. And… and… and…" her mouth suddenly dropped open as she stared past Gajeel. Then she skittered away toward the bar shrieking, "I'M SORRY! I'LL NEVER EAT ANOTHER SALAD AGAIN, I SWEAR!"

"What the fuck?" Gajeel turned around as his own jaw dropped toward the floor. Marching through the guild doors in file and rank were the strangest sight he'd ever seen. Lettuce, Tomatoes, Spinach, Onions, Broccoli, and all kinds of other vegetables, all with arms, legs, and sharp fangs. They all started advancing menacingly toward the guild, their eyes full of malicious intent.

"Mommy, I swear I'll eat my vegetables from now on!" He whimpered as he backed away from the vegetables, which were now chewing on Macao's legs. Immediately the guild erupted into panic, with screams erupting from everyone and magic spells flying everywhere.

When Makarov came back later that day his jaw dropped when he saw where the guild used to be. There was nothing left but rubble, and what appeared to be enormous diced vegetables strewn all over the place. The guild master set his jaw as he turned and headed to his town home. "I can't wait to hear the explanation for this one."

* * *

So there it is. Drop a review plz :D


	8. Chapter 8

**I don't own Fairy Tail or the characters. Mashima owns them.

So in the reviews somebody asked where I came up with the idea for the previous Omake/spell.

I guess I can explain, as I still remember (I thought about it when I saw the review), but be warned: it may give you a peek into my mind... bwahahahaha

So there I was, stuck in worse than usual rush hour traffic, when my eyes happened to fall on a sale ad in the window of the local grocery store. Among the pictures on the ad, I recognized broccoli, and started thinking about vegetables. Then I thought about how much many little kids hate vegetables. So then I thought what if they're scared of vegetables.

Logically, my next thought was the Fairy Tail guild being scared of vegetables, which naturally led to the idea of giant, ferocious vegetables attacking Fairy Tail.

Clearly this could only be accomplished by a spell. But what kind of a spell?

I then randomly remembered a reviewer once asked me to do a full-fledged story about stoner Natsu.

And then, of course, I thought "Aha! A technical term for weed is 'cannabis.' Cannabis sounds kind of like cannibal."

So, logically, the best way to have giant ferocious vegetables attacking the guild was for Natsu to accidentally muff a spell that was supposed to turn vegetables into cannabis.

As for the spell itself? well, everyone knows that words sound more like wizard spells if you make them into pseudo-latin, and everyone knows that words sound more latin if you add "us" to them. (Try it sometime). And so, the spell, Vegetabalus Transformus Cannabis, was born. (Which of course, as you know, Natsu botched by saying "cannibalus" instead of "cannabis."

So there it is.

Eh, forgot what Omake number I'm on, but here's the next Omake... Hope you enjoy**

* * *

"Hehehe… He's gonna' be so surprised…"

Lucy Heartfilia headed back to her apartment with a mischievous smirk on her face. She told Natsu she would be out of town for at least a week because she knew how much he and Happy liked to sneak in and use her apartment while she was gone.

That's why, after taking a short 2 day job, she told Natsu and company that she would be out of town for 7 days, arriving back after a week at the earliest.

She could only imagine what was happening now. Natsu was probably lying on her bed, with Happy at his feet. Gray on her couch. Erza and Juvia were probably in the mix somewhere.

She was about to fling the door open and announce her presence when a better idea came to her. She slowly slipped the door open, making her way up the stairs to her second story apartment.

She paused when she reached the living area. No Gray, Erza, or Juvia. But… was that Juvia's skirt on her couch?

"Oh, Juvia feels so dirty doing this with someone other than Gray-sama!" A sudden, pleasurable sounding exclamation came from her bedroom.

"Are you saying I should stop Juvia?" Natsu's voice, slightly muffled.

"N-no!" A slight moan from the bluenette. "Juvia wants Natsu-san to continue."

"Right! I'm all fired up!"

Juvia moaned loudly from within her room, and Lucy felt her face growing redder by the minute. She just couldn't fathom it! Juvia… and Natsu?! Who would ever believe it possible?

But wait – why were they doing it in her room? With a sudden burst of anger she marched over to the door and flung it open, ready to give a speech to the offenders inside.

What she saw was Juvia laying face down on her bed, the back of her top unzipped and her bra undone and pulled to the side, the rest of her body hidden under the blankets. Natsu was standing next to the bed, on the other side, massaging Juvia's back slowly as the blue-haired girl moaned under his touch. He must have been using some kind of oil or lotion, because she could hear it squelching against the bluenette's skin.

Lucy's mouth hung open for several minutes as her brain rearranged her original assumptions. Then she yelled. "What are you guys doing in my apartment?!"

"Sorry Luce," Natsu said. "I didn't think you'd be back for a few more days yet."

"Juvia thought love-rival would be gone longer as well," Juvia said between moans.

"Well that's no reason to use my apartment!" Lucy started lecturing, moving toward the bed as she spoke. "You should have more respect for other people's homes. Especially you Natsu!" She raised her voice as she rounded the bed to get in his face. "You of all people—"

Once again her voice left her, her mouth remaining open stupidly as her gaze went downward. She was now able to place the strange noises she was hearing when she first arrived, and they had nothing to do with oil or lotion.

Erza was kneeling, stark naked, her head just below the edge of the bed. Her head was bobbing back and forth rapidly against Natsu's crotch as wet, slurping noises emanating from that same region. Lucy felt her face turn even darker than when she'd first come into the apartment.

"Erza, I can't believe you!" She yelled.

Several things happened at once. Erza, surprised at the sudden scream from right behind her, jerked away from Natsu's cock. The dragon slayer chose that exact moment to cum, his semen shooting straight up as time seemed to slow down for Lucy. She watched in horror, somehow unable to move fast enough to avoid the impending disaster, and felt hot, gooey droplets splatter on her face, neck, and cleavage. At the same instant, Juvia, for god-knows-what reason, suddenly erupted into a loud orgasm, thrashing and moaning loudly on the bed.

Lucy shook with anger, her face red as she tried to ignore the cum dripping down it and into her cleavage. "OUT! ALL OF YOU!" She screamed. Natsu hurriedly pulled his pants on as Erza requipped to her heart kruz armor and headed out the window.

"So does this mean Juvia doesn't get a turn?" The blue-haired girl said plaintively as she slipped out of the bed.

"Of course not!" Lucy started at the sound of Mira's voice, and the demoness emerged from under the blankets. "We'll continue this at my house."

Before Lucy could react, they all left, by way of the window, leaving her alone. In her apartment. With her face, neck, and boobs covered in cum.

She blankly stared back out to the couch where Juvia's skirt still lay before collapsing on the bed. Now that she was recovered from the shock, her body was reacting to the scene she just witnessed and she needed release. A small moan escaped as she slipped her fingers down her short skirt, licking a dollop of cum from her lips.

 **~~~~~~The Strauss Household~~~~~~**

"Getting kicked out of your own house is not a man!" Elfman grumbled as he and Lisanna stood outside the door, wondering what just happened.

"What could Mira-nee, Juvia-chan, Erza-chan, and Natsu-sama need in our house?" Lisanna questioned, puzzled. "If it weren't for Juvia, I'd think they were gonna' have an orgy or something."

"I'm surprised at you Lisanna," Elfman said. "Mira-nee would never do something like that, especially with Natsu!"

Lisanna just shook her head at how clueless her brother was. Natsu was probably the _only_ person Mira would do that with. But she was pretty certain Juvia would never be involved.

Oh well, at least Lucy wasn't home. She would just sneak into her apartment for the evening. With a grin she headed in that direction, it wasn't that far away.

It took her only a moment to get up and through the open window. Only then did she notice the loud moaning, and turned her head slowly toward the bed.

"EEP!" She jumped back as she saw Lucy, All her clothing except her bra now removed, her fingers working hard and fast in her pussy. Lisanna also couldn't help notice the drying white goop splattered all over her face.

"GET OUT!" Lucy yelled, and Lisanna complied, not even turning to look again when she heard the blonde mage go into her orgasm. It was certainly a weird day…

 **~~~~~~Extra~~~~~~**

Gray smirked as he came up to the doors, pushing the one on the right in slowly. He couldn't wait to see flame brain's face when he told him he completed the SS class quest all by himself. Sure, it had taken a year and a half, but that was just because those dark mages were so damn good at hiding. Well, that and he spent about 6 of those months recovering from injuries after various battles. But Natsu didn't need to know that.

Speaking of the flame brain, where was he? His pink-haired head was noticeably absent from those that turned as he came into the guild. Not to mention the guild seemed awfully quiet. Usually Natsu would be wreaking havoc somewhere.

"Ga?" Gray looked down in surprise as a small, baby voice reached his ears. Near a table not far away he saw a baby boy, not old enough to walk yet, since he was crawling on his hands and knees. The boy's hair was blue, but faint streaks of pink highlighted and accented the otherwise dark hair. The boy was staring at him in a way that ticked him off even if it was just a baby.

"What, are we a nursery now?" He said sarcastically, looking around to see who this boy might belong to. He immediately ruled out the table the boy was next to. Only Juvia and Mira were there. It was pretty obvious it couldn't be Juvia's child, he thought with a bit of a smirk. And Mira… Well, even if she did find somebody, the blue and pink would be impossible with her white hair.

"Say 'hello' to uncle Gray, Igneel." Two things slowly settled into Gray's mind. One, Juvia was talking to the child. Two, Juvia hadn't attempted to tackle him when he came through the door. Somewhere out there a third oddity emerged. She didn't seem to be speaking in third person, or calling him Gray-sama.

"Umm, hey Juvia, who's the kid?" He asked, the arrogant smirk a little tentative.

"Igneel is Juvia and Natsu-sama's child," the bluenette replied with a broad smile. Her smile faltered slightly as she seemed to realize who she was talking to. "Umm. Did Gray-san successfully complete his job request?"

Somewhere in Gray's mind registered that an answer was expected. Required, even. But no answer came to his tongue. Forgotten were his plans to brag of his first successful SS class mission. Gone his eagerness to rub it in flame-brain's face. His mind was currently trying to comprehend what he just heard. But it just couldn't process. The idea that things might've changed this much since he left just never occurred to him. And Juvia…

"Is something bothering Gray-san?" Juvia's voice reached his ears, but he was still unable to answer. He was vaguely aware that his mouth was still hanging open and snapped it shut, but still no words came. His body seemed to have forgotten how to move.

*CRASH* Suddenly the doors flew open, knocking him from his reverie. "WE'RE BACK!" The loud announcement was followed by Natsu, who, as Gray slowly turned to view him, glanced briefly at him.

"Oh, stripper, you're back." He said with a smirk. "How was the job request?"

Again Gray could only stare, the scene before him even more puzzling than the prior one. Surely this was some strange dream. First Juvia had a child with Natsu, and now the same dragon slayer appeared in the guild carrying Erza, whose face was slightly flushed, bridal style? What the fuck was going on anyway? What kind of crazy food did he eat that made his mind imagine this fucked up situation?

"Oi stripper, are you broke or something?" Natsu set Erza down, staring at him with what he could swear was a concerned expression. Gray struggled to get the words out, but when he finally did the only thing that came out was…

"Must wake up…"

Natsu stared at him oddly for a moment, then shrugged and walked over to Juvia. He leaned down, the bluenette tilting her head up to allow his lips to easily meet hers.

"Juvia missed Natsu-sama," she said with a smile, as Natsu reached down to ruffle Igneel's blue and pink hair.

"I missed you too Juv," Natsu said with a smile.

 _Wake up, wake up_. Gray commanded himself mentally. He reached across his body with his right hand to pinch his left arm, hard.

"OW!" He jumped. That wasn't supposed to work if you were dreaming.

"Is something wrong, Gray?" He turned to see Erza staring at him. His mouth worked, but still no words proceeded from them.

"Natsu…" His head turned as he heard Mirajane's voice, and he saw her standing and approaching the fire mage. "Did you forget about me?"

Several things registered in Gray's mind in that brief second. The first was that Mira had gained a lot of weight. The second was that her weight gain seemed limited to her belly. Her slender arms and legs were still finely toned and beautiful as ever. The third was that Natsu was now kissing the white-haired beauty softly on the lips. As Juvia watched with a smile.

"You know I could never forget you," he said.

"I think you owe me one now," he watched as Erza approached, forcibly spinning Natsu to her and engaging in a passionate kiss.

It was at this point that his mind fully broke down. The room swirled and faded around him and he slipped to the floor, unconscious.

* * *

And there it is... Changing the rating to M if it isn't already there lol - just for safety's sake.


End file.
